Beware, after praising sunshine I will mirror the gloomy grey outside with my idea for shopping like a dog, including murdering an accent and more murder.
It was delightful what the other members of Devizes Writers Group wrote for the homework: shopping like a dog.
One changed gender for the text. One even changed species and told us a dogs olfactoristic views on shopping a new unsmelly and therefor uninteresting hyperhygienic dog bed. One placed the picture of Kuba in a shopping trolley in the National Portrait Gallery (A thought I really like. I would not mind where it would be placed.). One told a heartgripping true story of a tiny dog who went “shopping” a large ham and carrying it with the help of other dogs to his humans during wartime. There was crime, the evolution of language, a cat instead, Whisky, Georgina and an awful lot of shopping (and don`t be fooled by the thought that internet shopping is less stressful).
Now my text. It is just a draft cause I want to change it into a real murder mystery. For that it needs cuddly cats in the intro, some scenery description, more flesh on the bone in the middle and maybe a more sophisticated ending. I might even change the murder weapon.
Apparently I murdered an accent, too. It was supposed to sound like a Yorkshire accent. I have heard people in Yorkshire pronouncing every possible and impossible vowel like an U. For instance I said: I saw the “san” cause usually the U in sun is spoken like an A and Yorkshires corrected me You mean SUN. For my British listeners yesterday it apparently sounded like a German murdering a Scottish accent. I might let them hear another time what I produce when I want to sound Scottish.
Anyway: To murder, now!
Murder on a Marketday
On a sunny thursday morning in September on the Marketplace in Devizes a handsome detective holds a speech.
(This was in Meppen but imagine this handsome detective)
:” Woof! I wuz wulking duwn Snuff Street last thurzdi when I discuvered there will be a murder here in Devizes tuday this noon! I dun`t know yet whu is gonna be the victim and I sincerely hupe to prevent this vicious crime if possible but I am here tuday on this sunny thurzdi tu let everybudy know: If you commit murder while I am on watch I will catch the culprit!”
Supersleuth ChihuahuaMix Kuba Schnuff, who adopted a Yorkshire dialect cause people underestimate him then, takes a sincere look around and sniffs the vendors and buying people and fellow dogs around but he can`t sniff any guilt.
People return to their usual market day business. Vendors shout out loud what wonderful goods you can get in a bowl for just a Pound. At the cheesestand cheese gets missing mysteriously. Supersleuth Kuba walks around and lets himself not be distracted ba flowerscents or scents at the herbsstand. Sausages however distract Kuba shortly. A black pug finds some dropped chips on the ground and fastly devoures them before anyone can tell him not to do that.
“Excuse me, Mr Kuba, why exactly do you think there will be a murder here today?” a grey lady asks smart snout supersleuth Kuba. “I have my informants” “Ah, I see, I wouldn`t listen to rumors if I were you. Pardon me, I haven`t introduced myself: I am Miss MacPoodle, originally from Scotland, now residing in Devizes castle.” “Nice. You wear a very beautiful hat, milady. Unusual to see these hats nowadays.”
A beagle with a Rucksack suddenly howls: “Here is an old lady lying on the floor!” After examination supersleuth Kuba growls: “I warned you! Someone killed this woman with something sharp and very thin and long. I don`t know why, yet but you won`t go away with this crime!” Police dogs surround the market place and everyone is questioned. “I haven`t seen anything!”, a young labrador exclaims “I was playing Monopoly in the Crown Centre Cafe! We played dog lovers edition.”
“Ok! I confess!” a distinguished looking Schnauzer says “I have done it. I have stolen the cheese.”
“We are more interested in knowing who killed this old lady!” a police K9 says. “who was she? Does anyone know?” supersleuth Kuba asks. “you know something! I can sniff it!” Kuba says to Miss MacPoodle. “I was working for this old lady”, Miss MacPoodle explains “She is the flower arranging lady in a local church.” “And that`s why you killed her! Confess! I saw how you looked at the flowers! With anger and contempt! I can sniff your guilt! Confess! Tell us why you did it!” Miss MacPoodle slowly takes off her hat and shouts: “You are right! I did it! She deserved it! 5 years I was helping in the church. She knew I wanted to do the flower arrangement but all I ever was allowed to buy were biscuits for our afternoon tea! Curiosity not only kills cats, Mr Kuba! I might go to jail but before I do I kill you!” Miss MacPoodle takes a hatpin, moves it like a sword but before she can poke it through Kubas chest all the cuddly cats from Snuff Street suddenly appear and overpower Miss MacPoodle with their sharp claws.
©Elke Schaub, 2014
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